Friends, and rejection.

I think this one's gonna have some pretty personal stuff in so brace yourself.

My friends (including me) seem to be in a bit of a mess at the moment. It's quite complicated and I'm not sure I want to go into all the details but people having been pulling each other and getting upset with each other and I'm feeling rejected and somewhat bitter. I don't THINK I'm angry with anyone in particular but I'm quite annoyed that people still seem to think they can go round kissing other people and there won't be any consequences, despite all the evidence to the contrary. It's not helped by the fact that my 'righteous indignation' is mingled with jealousy as it seems fairly clear that I can't go round kissing people (on a number of levels). The jealousy issue is also not helped by the fact that one of the kissers is a girl who basically rejected me before Easter (although I wasn't actually asking her out).

How the heck anyone is going through this without God I have no idea. I guess they're not really as He's right there with them whether they know it or not but I'm pretty convinced He's got an amazing wife for me and this still hurts and their issues are much more dramatic than mine.

Maybe this is just another guise of selfishness. I've certainly been feeling pretty sorry for myself today. Hallelujah that God's unchanging, that's the bottom line.

Books

It's only day two. The novelty's still fresh and this could be a long one.

I feel pretty good at the moment. I'm reading some really good books and I think it's to them that I'd like to dedicate today's entry.

The first is called 'A Dry Patch' and is by my former Headmaster's wife, who works under the name Clare Chambers. I won't bore you with the details (or spoil anything for you because I recommend you read it) but it was really insightful into the way people think: how insecure we all are basically. It really helped reinforce the realisation I've often had that everyone is the most important person in their world. As kids we grow up thinking the world revolves around us and I think most people never really lose that. One of the reasons Christ's call is so radical is because He commands us to love others AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. Indeed He tells us this is the second most important thing we can do in this life, after loving God with all we have. His thoughts were, I believe, always for those around Him. Their worries, their fears, their hopes and insecurities. Surely if there were ever any persuasive argument that we need God's help to live the Christian life it is this: He wants us to live like the world revolves around every person we meet. The fact is that His world does, and it's His world that we live in.

The second book is 'Rees Howells Intercessor' by Norman Grubb. Today I once again showed myself how difficult it is to read any more than a page or two of that book without having to put it down because you feel so stirred to repentance/praise/action or any combination of the above. Today I just wanted an outpouring of the Spirit amongst my friends and the uni so I asked for it. Later this evening Jon felt really weird so we had a pray which was really good. I felt quality so I asked God 'Where do we go from here?' I looked up and saw the sign on Jon's wall which says 'The Furnace'....

I'm quite tired and I'm working tomorrow so I'll leave it there for tonight. Thanks to Jason Upton for keeping me company again, it's good blogging music.

Beginning

I've started this because I like looking back over old diaries and I always regret how unfaithful I've been in keeping them. They generally trail off after the initial burst of enthusiasm. Nevertheless when I am writing in one I'm generally doing it in the secret hope that one day it'll get published and people will marvel at my wisdom and, perhaps more importantly, care about what I was feeling and what I was thinking.

To be honest that's a bit of a theme of my life. I often live and act like I'm in some kind of Truman Show-esque film which is all about me. Except the audience can see my thoughts and understands completely why I act the way I do. In a way I do actually believe this to be true. There is of course the Lord God Almighty, my Father, Jesus Christ and the Comforter, who made me and knows exactly why I do what I do and say what I say. Then there's the cloud of witnesses mentioned at the beginning of Hebrews 12. Seems pretty clear to me that's talking about the heroes of faith who have gone before. Whether they can see my thoughts or not there's got to be a lot of collective wisdom there what with all those lives they've led and then a few years in haven to boot. As a kid I used to like the idea of generations of Bournes (not to mention Barracloughs, Hecks etc) looking down on me and 'cheering me on' but it turns out that wherever my biological ancestors are I've got a superior family who certainly is cheering me on. Then there's the multitudes of angels.

It's often struck me how in God are our deepest longings met and we are at the same time so quick to reject His attempts to meet our needs and so quick to look to other sources to meet them. He's so desperate to be there for us He often meets us in those other things, whether we recognise Him or not. As I recently read in a Speak booklet we are the 'Friends generation' and we're so desperate for true community - a desperation which can only be met by the family of God working the way it should, but we don't believe that (after what we've seen of the church who can blame us) so we hunt for it elsewhere - in facebook, on MSN, wherever we can get it.

In short I enjoy writing so I'm going to use this as a place to write. I think I make the Speak emails so long because I enjoy writing and don't really get any other outlet (except work but that doesn't really count) but it's not really fair to inflict that on the Speak crew so instead I'll use this as a place to type my thoughts as well as possibly experimenting with poems, short stories, song lyrics etc. To be fair I think the Speak emails will stay just as long, I don't think people mind.

It's really quite releasing not having to worry about the length of what I'm writing (always at least a back-of-the-mind issue with emails) and instead just waffling and knowing I'll keep what I've written myself and it'll entertain me in later life.

I think that'll do for this first entry. It's been fun seeing where my thoughts have gone and I'm looking forward to a long a happy future in the world of blogging. Should be good typing practise too.